no no, not the economic kind although that is being taken into consideration around here too. but i’m talking calories… i’m budgeting my calories. big time.

after playing with a few different methods of how to make this whole weight loss thing happen in my world, i finally decided that i had to go back to counting calories. there is just no other way. for me. i’m too much of an eater. too devious with my rationale. so this keeps me painfully honest. and with a nutritional computer program i can enter all the details of my food and – voilà – it’s been this many fat grams today, that much fiber… and since i have decided to stick to 1000 (yes 1000) calories a day, while making it all pretty nutritious – as in none of the "100 calorie snack packs", of for instance, oreo mini cakesters or those minuscule weight watchers cakes – every thing i eat matters. luckily, i like a challenge. 1000 is low but if you don’t crap it up with empty calories, it’s amazing what you can cram in there.

wait.. was that just the sound of every male reader clicking away from this post and ceF forever?

i won’t bore you with the specifics of what i eat most of the time… well maybe i will, but not right now. it’s all fairly plain. all close to the earth with the exception of some boca burgers and protein shakes. and then i cook. and then i think… is this even blogable? i mean i’ve made about 3 pots of soup since i last posted. most of them are all variations of this lentil soup. and i highly, but highly recommend this soup. and lately, i’ve been on a kale kick so that’s the green that gets tossed into the pot. a bag of my rancho gordo cannellini’s mingled quite nicely with some french green lentils, and for the non-weight-conscious i grated a bunch of parmegiano into the bowls. everyone loved it with big hunks of bread. but i was happy with this soup all on its own. i mean, my life is good. and i can eat baguettes and cheese again one day. just not today. or tomorrow. or february, march. or april. and you know what? i will LIVE! and come spring i will feel and look better. it’s the big cheese/baguette trade-off of ’09..

so the other night i had to use up a big beautiful pristine looking head of cauliflower. i sliced an onion and put it, along with the florets onto a baking sheet and then sprayed it with a misting of olive oil and a sprinkling of sea salt. the vegetables roasted for awhile on high heat and required some moving around every 15 minutes or so for a total of about 45 minutes. i also threw some walnuts into a pie tin and toasted them until they turned deep golden brown. god, i love toasted walnuts…

i put a pot of water onto boil and took out some whole wheat spaghetti. when the pasta was cooked i tossed it into a bowl with the roasted cauliflower and onion and hit it with a touch of olive oil, thyme, meyer lemon juice, a drizzle of reduced balsamic vinegar and red pepper flakes. it’s crowning glory was a sparse sprinkling of the toasted walnuts. my portion was 2 ounces of spaghetti which alone was 180 calories. and yes, dear readers, 2 ounces is not much. it’s even kind of amusing. but i loaded on the roasted cauliflower and when it was said and done, i was pretty full.

i know i know… multi textured very beige food…

it’s a version of this recipe from alice waters that i made last april, sans cheese and the oil was cut to probably about 1/8 the amount i’d have normally used. and we loved it. and yes, there was no salty, richness of the ricotta salata. no extra virgin olive oil to coat each strand of pasta that would have made it taste the way it would in a perfect world… but i can eat these things again one day. just not today. maybe in may… and you know what? at the risk of being redundant, i will LIVE! and i will fit into all my very cool summer clothes again. and my jeans. i miss my jeans. i miss my other body… it’s under the extra poundage though… it’s there waiting to be freed…

and it’s a one day at a time thing. it’s all in the consistent chipping away at the extra blobules of fat on my body that has taken not only my good health and energy, but even some of my joy. and like, that’s totally crazy…

no pasta, pork or pudding is ever going to be worth that…

in the name of full disclosure:

dear readers, i am fully aware that this is a touchy subject for many of you. our culture demands women to be model thin and it is has made us into a gender plagued with eating disorders and deprivation. this country is getting fatter by the year, juvenile obesity is on the rise. commercials tell us to eat crap food, desserts at many of the national chains check-in at 1000 calories alone – and a fine dinner out is usually about 1500+ calories – EASY, not to mention the wine… and then we all go and sit in front of our computers. it’s confusing. but in the end we must all find our way.

i’m not the thin girl. i never have been – ever in all my life. but at 5’9" with a medium frame i look pretty damn good at 140 (better at 135 – but i just can’t get there so i’ve given up) and can still pull it off at 150. but i let the black stretchy pants assure me i was ok. and the next thing i knew i weighed as much as cary, who at 6’2" is 165. i am posting this for the world to see. i am 47 1/2 years old. i have limited mobility due to an injury that happened when i was 18. i use a wheelchair. and this is no excuse for anything. we all have our shit. i’m lazy and should get my ass to the Y every day to swim. i’m a strong swimmer. in the spring and fall i bike, but that’s a seasonal thing….

like you, food is a strong passion for me. i know great food and have been fortunate enough to be around it much of my life. i’ve traveled to eat for years, i’ve thrown my hands up in despair of the local restaurants and taken to my own kitchen. i. love. to. eat. i’m a plate cleaner from way back.

it sure would be really nice to be naturally thin, to have the metabolism of a hummingbird… but it was not to happen for me in this lifetime. my family fights fat. my brother eats out nearly every night – lavishly. and also hits the treadmill hard every single day. it’s the only way he can maintain. my dad used to eat light all week, come home from work every evening and do his floor exercises followed by a healthy dinner – and then he’d let loose on the weekends, whereas my mom smoked a lot of cigarettes and drank a lot of coffee to stay svelte… her parents were both obese.

and so it goes.

since there is no magic pill. i count calories. and i hope for some enlightenment that will lead me to a way of better balance once i get back down. god knows i’ve danced this dance before… and, i apologize. i know i have changed the tone here at ceF with a focus on the FRET. but i need to stop the madness.nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. you can quote me on that. it’s (ahem) totally original!

i appreciate having the forum to share this all with you. i hope my food will still turn you on…

ps – we adopted a puppy. meet grace. 9 weeks old. australian shepherd/lab mix. she is a very sweet girl…

welcome to the family…